X: Purge

There are just times in life where one has to let go…

We can’t hold onto the dying.
We can’t wish something unreal into existence.
We can’t always reignite that fire.
We can’t always repair love.

I think back to the winter of 2007. I had been with a girl for nearly two years. She blew my mind, like any young adult I was convinced that she was ‘it’. During Thanksgiving she ended it with me through a text message…my first college romance…gone.

I spent the next weeks in panic, I had never been dumped before. I tried to win her back, tried to do roses, anything…she just wanted to to be left alone, and wanted away from me. By January I had started to try to find ways to get ‘our memories’ out of my head, boxed up photos, returned random items, took back certain clothes, and tried to start over. However, when you have college classes with your ex-girlfriend for two more years in college.

I tried to purge her from my mind, but never succeeded, even to this day random memories still cross my eyes when the stars are right, or when the sun is shining.

Fast forward to the present day. The ‘purge’ [yes, I’m sure it isn’t healthy], is almost completed. I don’t miss KJ, I feel bad for her, I hope she is safe and enjoying life, but I don’t miss her. Even our memories I don’t miss. Sure, there were good ones, but so many of them were heartbreaking.

I think that starting over should include this concept of purging [though the word does associate rather negative thoughts]. I’m not saying that we force ourselves to forget about the past, but at the same time we shouldn’t spend life crying in our closets dwelling on what was. I’m not going to. I learned my lesson in ’07, as many people, such as Jo told me back then. We need to highlight the highlights, and forget the low lights. We acknowledge our growth from our pain, but then…we choose to move on.

When July 1st hit, I chose to move on.

August 1st hit, I had moved on.

September 1st is coming. I have moved on.

I know many have voiced concern about me ‘moving on’ too quickly, that I’m not taking things seriously enough, that I don’t understand the magnitude of what is taking place. I would like to clarify a few things in my half-sleeping state of mind:

  1. I acknowledge that in many ways I now wear a label, stating who I’ve become
  2. I understand that I’m a statistic of a growing fad
  3. I know that I can’t become a deacon in most churches [after seeing most churches, I wouldn’t want to be regardless]
  4. I can hear the voices of the locals whispering their disappointment [maybe that was only in July]
  5. I also realize that regardless of what the masses think, there is still one who loves me, no matter what

And that is all that matters now…



X: Countdown

I’m truly sitting in strange times today.

Today is Tuesday, July 26th, 2011, 1:00pm. I’m sitting inside a Starbucks, the barista has called me sunshine, asked me to just buy a larger glass so I don’t get so many refills, and I’m on my six cup of coffee. Work comes in the next few hours, should be caffeinated enough to flip out on anything and anyone that I please.

I’m going home.

Such a strange realization. I suppose it just hasn’t hit me fully yet. The idea that my days in this city are limited [2 after today], and I’ll be gone. Such a strange way that life tends to put us in when we aren’t paying attention. 10 years ago I was heading into high school, six years ago I was prepping for college, one year ago I was adjusting into being married, life’s only constant is that it changes. Humans are unique for the fact that we have the ability, the ability, to acclimate to our environment. We can adjust to prevent or adapt to chaos. I mean, someone figured out how to farm in Oklahoma, that’s some serious adaptation. Of course this begs the question of what next month, next year, next decade has in store for myself. Though I tend to try not to wander that far down the road.

I believe in many ways I got exactly what I asked for.


I had this fear, growing up through the awkward adolescent years and into the even more awkward college years, that I would wind up in a two story house, working in a cubical 9-5, with 2.1 kids, and a white picket fence. For reasons unknown to myself, it scared me out of my mind. I wanted something different, non-traditional, something that wasn’t expect.

I’m 24 now, and I’ve definitely taken that other path. For years I chose to be different, I wanted to stick out, not go with the flow of everyone else, just…being different. It kept girls away from me, the church on its toes, and a poor school district nervous on a daily basis. It was only within these past few weeks of diving deeper into myself that I’ve started to become comfortable with my own identity.

  • I like sticking out in crowds. Except at church when I’m standing up and blocking someone from being able to read the lyrics on the wall.
  • I’m not a huge NFL, MLB, or NBA fan. Go ahead, call me un-American
  • I can put away my weights worth of coffee, ask MC about that
  • Writing is my best form of therapy, I thoroughly enjoy feeling my fingers glide across each key stroke.
  • I did not get a degree in Political Science because I love to debate. I got it because I wanted to be able to relate.
  • I write poems. Fact.
  • I like to run, but I’m not great at it. Slowly learning.
  • I had this tendency to frequently tell people, “I don’t care”, when in reality the opposite is true.
  • My voice carries…just the nature of the beast…
  • I have red hair, I’m Irish, and there is not a darn thing to be done about it
  • My life is an open book, I have absolutely nothing to hide from anyone

These little things, though not necessarily earth shattering, are small steps into coming into my own being. MC made a comment a few weeks ago, “You’re going to be 24 and you truly don’t have your own identity”.

In many ways she’s is absolutely correct. I’ve spent the majority of my years molding into what people want of me, saying “yes” to everything that is needed. While this isn’t a testament of saying, “I’m my own person, I’m crazy”, and walking off and doing something stupid, it is a realization for the day that at the end of the day, I can’t afford to constantly worry what the world thinks about me. There are bigger fish to fry [as half the audience smacks their forehead with my amazing, and incredibly late discovery] in life.

I guess my thought it like this:

To lose yourself, you must first understand yourself.

I like helping other people, but in many instances as of late, I am in no position to help others before I help myself. This isn’t a selfish thought process, this is just merely a understanding that I have to be able to recognize and address my needs before I’m able bodied enough to help with others.

Perhaps this is a broken record to the majority of you, but today with the massive ingesting of caffeine in my system, it’s a little clearer.


X: Exile

I got the ‘official text’ just a few hours ago:

“Your last day at the store will be Thursday night”

Freedom come to me!

While anyone would be excited to walk away from a job that has been with them for seven years, this specific moment in my life, this upcoming Thursday, will be a monumental one. When Thursday ends I will no longer be a citizen of the ‘Ozarks’ of Missouri. When Thursday ends I will be back as a member of northwest Missouri.

My six years of exile has ended.

In the fall of 2005 I began my journey in the ‘Ozarks’, as a student at a small, religious college. I was anxious, excited, and ready to start a new life, start my life. However, as soon as things started, frustration began to rush in. I had a falling out with the program at the university that brought me in under scholarship, I was dumped for the first time ever, I was ‘let go’ from the job I held at the university. I would go on with the lists of events of the past six years, but the fact is this…

…I got exiled to the ‘Ozarks’, a place nearly completely opposite of where I grew up. It was uncomfortable, and I tried to make it work, but after this many years, my white flag goes up, my bags are packed, and I’m heading home with my tail in-between my legs.

Praising God the entire way down the road.

No more MO 13.
No more Springfield traffic jams.
No more Bass Pro Shop [you have no idea].
No more churches threatening to have my vehicle towed [long story].
No more…
No more…

I’m free. Granted, I will still be working for Subway, and in the end the headquarters for this branch is located in Springfield, Missouri, but I believe my trips there will be far and few. Truthfully, as my birthday passes through, this is the best gift I could have asked for.


P.S: The out pour of hits on this site is truly blowing me away! Every single one of you, no matter your thoughts, are absolutely incredible! You keep me motivated, writing, and pressing on!

X: Clean Slate

Clean Slate...

The pile of books, just one pile of things moving on with my life...

Not the best shot I’ve ever taken [like I really care], this is one of many piles of things that will be going on with me as I start over with a clean slate.

This pile is indeed my books, what’s left of them, and will be going into some sort of storage for the upcoming months.

Cleaned out the kitchen early today, if I told you it wasn’t somewhat emotional, I’d be completely lying. Just seeing dishes that you received from your wedding guests, knowing that the pizza slicer that you used so many nights in the winter is gone, and just the realization that things didn’t work out. It’s a sobering feeling.

Alas, I’ve been granted my wish: I get to start over, I get my clean slate. Some crazy things are in store for the next, upcoming years.

Let me selfishly share some upcoming goals, after all, without goals stagnation can take hold and ones life can plateau and eventually collapse.

As we already know, I am officially moving back to NW Missouri, I will be officially in for good come August 1st [or a little earlier], afterwards I’ll be driving tons of miles each day, while living in a small, quiet peaceful town [more coming later]. While this is going on, getting caught up financially [the goal of the summer/fall/winter of 2011], I will begin training/education in certain degrees of certification for soccer coaches inside the United States [headquarters are in Kansas City]. Why? All this is needed for the next goal, in the spring/summer of ’12 I would like to create a small club program inside  this small town [their rec league is insanely huge, for the size of town]. Finally, if all goes well [perfect world situation], I’ll be aiming for a specific coaching position at a specific university in the area [naturally I have to keep that under wraps for now].

Big things are coming up, and who knows, somewhere, somehow, someone just might be ‘her‘.