I can only blame Monday’s for so much…
I’m not sure if it was the class that struggled with reading the assignment in class today, whether it was the meeting with administration in the late morning hours (planned, nothing wrong here), or the sheer awkwardness of my complete lack of social skills around my peers this evening…but my day has been a wreck from the near start.
It’s hard to process the anxiety and fully write out the suppression of the individual psyche, but I can assure you that more than once this evening I felt myself taking deeper breaths than usual trying to focus on the room around me. I’m sure that it’s merely ‘all in my head’, but when you do something you love every day and one day doesn’t blend like the others…it’s enough for everything ‘in your head’ to come out in some random form of emotion.
Today was just one of those days where you subconsciously keep a check-list of all of the things that you’ve done wrong from the moment you woke up to the moment you arrived home. Why didn’t the kids understand this topic? Am I teaching to the correct standards? Did I meet with enough students one-on-one in class? Why do I struggle talking to my peers at these workshops? Why did I screw up after-school study hall? Are people starting to wonder if I’m actually a good teacher? What am I doing? The list carry’s on, and on, and on, and on…
This is my mind; I know it is. I understand that I “control” so much of it, but man…when you’ve had an off day, or your game is off, or something isn’t ticking right…especially in the beginning of the week. It’s a mess to recover from.
It’s just a day where you want to apologize to the school, to your wife, and to God for making mistakes that mainly only you know. You pray that you sleep well, eat well, and try to give the next day a better start.
Rough day. Mentally.
Stress level. Unhealthy.
Currently: Heading out into the country. While leaving I found my sunglasses. A bit earlier I had found my earbuds. Interestingly, the fun is still up.
Rather certain God has wiped out any excuse not to run.
Because I know this message will go to thousands of accounts (literally), it’s a good source to ask for assistance.
I feel bad for Darco, she’s dealing with nasty stressors in life and she tends to bottle it up internally.
It’d mean the world to me if you’d just say a quick prayer for her…
Just putting up the honesty here…
I’m a little people’d out today. Give up? Not even close. Need a nice, long workout?
I threw the water bottle down on the ground…
I kicked my bag into the closet…
I tapped my inner-middle school student and had an untimely meltdown tonight. Stress that I’d kept in just erupted into a tantrum that’d make a five year old blush.
I was tired, angry, and felt that no one was listening.
Praise God, Darco exists. She walked up to me, grabbed my hands, looked me in the eyes and slowly, calmly said…
You are tired. You are angry. Calm down and come to bed.
I obeyed. Shaking, breathing heavy, but the gentleness of that soul was enough to bring me down off the tirade.
The explosion stems from the mass amount of stress at work that I can’t show to the students. They don’t deserve that. It comes from knee pain from running. It comes from going three days in a row from 5:30 AM to 11:30 PM. It comes from only seeing Darco while we’re both awake this week for a grand total of six hours.
With a deep breath, I’ll try to calm my soul to rest…
Too much coffee.
I’ve come to a conclusion from the past few days…
My previous job completely fried me on all means of social media. As I’m trying to get a few pieces put together for a few groups, I’m noticing that my drive, passion, and enjoyment of the social media world is greatly lacking in enthusiasm. It could be that I’m just recovering after dealing with whatever that was, or could be the fact that I learned that it isn’t always, necessarily my cup of tea.
I don’t know, but I will say this, if you mess with the social media world enough…eventually it’ll mess with you, and sometimes that means results that you may not necessarily desire.
Back to working on the resume.