Seasonal Perception


I don’t think I have been alone in my own home for the evening for at least three years. Darco left this evening to spend some time with her friend back home, and that has left me with an empty house, a battle with weevils, and two cats attempting to track down every insect inside their living arrangement.

Translation: All is right with the world (minus no wife this evening).

It is interesting what we perceive as ‘hard’ throughout our lives. At one point running a mile was hard, eventually three miles was hard, then came ten miles, and someday it may be a hundred. So much of ‘hard’ is perceived by the individual in measurement to their own life and past examples.

This past week was hard.

The past several months, if not year has been very low-key for our family. My wife continues to soar at her job, I thoroughly enjoy teaching, and we are finding more and more friends at a daily basis. That is why, based off historic context, this week was hard. My wife and I didn’t see each other awake until yesterday evening, parent-teacher conferences were this week, I had a performance evaluation at work, and other things transpiring within the world of education placed me in a rather unfamiliar position; uncomfortable.

Thursday night, I wound up with something to ‘fidget with’ at work because I was having a hard time paying attention. That isn’t to say what was going on wasn’t important, it was just that my mind was elsewhere. I was trying to solve problems, fix issues, and create solutions in my head for fifteen different problems. Unfortunately, along those terms is also the realization that I likely will not solve any of those problems. I argue that ‘status quo’ is unrealistic and unobtainable; life cannot stay in one specific state through time. There is always something to adjust, tweak, fix, develop, create, or destroy.

The only reason for any of this writing is to merely say that I had a personally challenging week. In no way does that mean that I have endured anything difficult, or overcame anything deemed impossible. Merely noting that in the perception of my own eye versus recent history; this was not the best of weeks and I am glad that like seasonal storms, it too has passed.

-D-

XXXI: Off Game


I can only blame Monday’s for so much…

I’m not sure if it was the class that struggled with reading the assignment in class today, whether it was the meeting with administration in the late morning hours (planned, nothing wrong here), or the sheer awkwardness of my complete lack of social skills around my peers this evening…but my day has been a wreck from the near start.

It’s hard to process the anxiety and fully write out the suppression of the individual psyche, but I can assure you that more than once this evening I felt myself taking deeper breaths than usual trying to focus on the room around me. I’m sure that it’s merely ‘all in my head’, but when you do something you love every day and one day doesn’t blend like the others…it’s enough for everything ‘in your head’ to come out in some random form of emotion.

Today was just one of those days where you subconsciously keep a check-list of all of the things that you’ve done wrong from the moment you woke up to the moment you arrived home. Why didn’t the kids understand this topic? Am I teaching to the correct standards? Did I meet with enough students one-on-one in class? Why do I struggle talking to my peers at these workshops? Why did I screw up after-school study hall? Are people starting to wonder if I’m actually a good teacher? What am I doing? The list carry’s on, and on, and on, and on…

This is my mind; I know it is. I understand that I “control” so much of it, but man…when you’ve had an off day, or your game is off, or something isn’t ticking right…especially in the beginning of the week. It’s a mess to recover from.

It’s just a day where you want to apologize to the school, to your wife, and to God for making mistakes that mainly only you know. You pray that you sleep well, eat well, and try to give the next day a better start.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Numbers


Because I know this message will go to thousands of accounts (literally), it’s a good source to ask for assistance.

I feel bad for Darco, she’s dealing with nasty stressors in life and she tends to bottle it up internally.

It’d mean the world to me if you’d just say a quick prayer for her…

-D-

XXXI: Lost It


I threw the water bottle down on the ground…
I kicked my bag into the closet…
I tapped my inner-middle school student and had an untimely meltdown tonight. Stress that I’d kept in just erupted into a tantrum that’d make a five year old blush.
I was tired, angry, and felt that no one was listening.
Praise God, Darco exists. She walked up to me, grabbed my hands, looked me in the eyes and slowly, calmly said…

You are tired. You are angry. Calm down and come to bed.

I obeyed. Shaking, breathing heavy, but the gentleness of that soul was enough to bring me down off the tirade.
The explosion stems from the mass amount of stress at work that I can’t show to the students. They don’t deserve that. It comes from knee pain from running. It comes from going three days in a row from 5:30 AM to 11:30 PM. It comes from only seeing Darco while we’re both awake this week for a grand total of six hours.

With a deep breath, I’ll try to calm my soul to rest…

-D-