First and foremost we must recognize an awesome accomplishment.
WE’RE OVER 4000 VIEWS! While many sites wouldn’t think a thing about that; understanding the unique setting of this page causes 4,000 in four months to look pretty nice. Thank you so much to each and every one of you that brave the unknown and venture over here on a weekly and daily basis.
Here’s to the next 1,000!
Now, onto the meaning of the title.
For the most part I’ve given hint to living a rather enjoyable life within these past few months. Aside from a random visit from the county sheriff, life is tranquil in this section of my life.
Most of the time that is true. However, I’ve come to realize that when I get plenty of free time; that’s when the nightmarish gloves come of. As it was said in several posts, towards the end of the month I find myself with several days that I’m not working inside stores, not traveling, and just trying to catch my breath.
Unfortunately, it is those days that I started reflecting on the past, dreaming of the future, and feel the old wounds along my heart begin to burn.
“…you can’t run away from everything…”
Some days it is painful to admit that parents are right, and this is one of those cases. I was so plagued by the problems of this weekend [primarily in my head], that I almost hopped in my car and drove to Colorado; just to try to sense a concept of escape.
The problems you ask?
A quick run through…
- Jealousy: Jo, I learned, will be heading to South America for six months for volunteer work. While I cherish the fact that my best friend is going to do great things; I’m selfishly sad that I won’t communicate with her for six month, and also jealous that I won’t be there as well.
- Anger: Listening to some gentlemen in my car this weekend talking of their ‘sex-capades’ over the past months. When learning that one of them wishes to become a youth pastor…ugh…frustration was overwhelming.
- Lust: To tack on to the above statement of anger. Hearing these stories made the thought cross my mind of what it would be like to have one night stands, randomly date people, etc…Things I definitely know is wrong in every way, shape, and form.
- Pride: Taking pity on myself that I’m isolated in where I live, and I keep to myself instead of going out and having fun [whatever that may be]. We are pretty sure that I’m the only 20 something-year-old that lives in this town of 1,399 people.
- Fear: Seeing my family, being afraid that I’m seen through their eyes as a failure and a disappointment.
It was a rough weekend. I can tack it up as falling into temptation, demonstrating a lack of faith, and just being rotten to be around most of the few days.
There was no ‘grand revelation’ to correct these thoughts, there wasn’t some ‘silver lining’, it was just waking up today at 5:00am [not on purpose], and just asking God to just take the pain away. I like being happy, being around friends, and not being so lame as portrayed these past few days.
We must recognize that this is sadly realistic, and I am not the only one to fall into this trap. Part of this does have to do with the continuing recovery process. As much as I try to deny it, when my ex-wife said that I wasn’t worth it. It was deadly painful. So painful that it hurts today as much as it hurt then. It makes part of myself very delicate as I try to heal.
Healing doesn’t just take place over night, as everyone knows, it takes time. Sometimes I even have to recognize that I need time. This is one reason that I’m not out looking for a date, back into a relationship, anything…because even know I crave it, desire it, want it; I know that emotionally and very much spiritually I am not in the proper place to take those kind of steps [yes, it took me 24 years to figure that out].
So, my work ‘month’ begins tomorrow, and with it comes new challenges, and November is looking to be a busy month for my personal life.
I’m take a deep breath.
Counting my blessings.
And proceeding forward, with these images, these moments from last weekend, behind me. Acknowledging that God knows I screwed up. God loves me.
In the end, that’s all that matters.